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The Comedy Stand-up Room

 

MY FRIEND THE FOOL...

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from
critics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish and....'"


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The lord givith....


A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when
a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens
and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.

Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.
But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens.
"When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"


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What to get the wife with everything!


Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything,
and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says
she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it
turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth,
and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"

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You'll Know when Its Time...

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth
of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp
and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home,
he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said,
"When you can read this, come back and see me."


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Bad Eating Habits

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose,
a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."


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Funny Newspaper Headlines


* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Drunk gets nine months in violin case
* Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
* Farmer Bill dies in house
* Iraqi head seeks arms
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Stud tires out
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
* British left waffles on Falkland Islands
* Eye drops off shelf
* Teacher strikes idle kids
* Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
* Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
* Stolen painting found by tree
* Two soviet ships collide, one dies
* 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
* Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
* Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
* Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
* War dims hope for peace
* If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

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1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called
back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank
page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't
want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded
it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a
gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

_____________________

MEMO:
To: My Boss
From: Your Sexy-tary
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest,
none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate,
I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company
calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer
and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.

 


 

THIS IS A NEW SITE. SO IT HAS ONLY A FEW ENTRIES. PLEASE COME BACK AGAIN SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE TO SEE WHAT IS NEW. THANK YOU FOR COMING TO VISIT.

 

Jokes Lang 2

Room 2 -mega-small movie screens

Room 3 -Big Screen feature

Room 4 -extremely funny images

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web by: MusicMan
and the
music maniacs
in
"THE BAND ROOM"

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